


Addicted

by somniumfelix



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, No Smut, One Night Stands, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:07:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25190641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somniumfelix/pseuds/somniumfelix
Summary: "The other night... It meant nothing to me."Remus couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't keep pretending as though he wasn't in love, wasn't heartbroken, and wasn't lonely when not in Sirius's arms, even if he was just being used as a one-off.He realized he was truly addicted.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 119





	Addicted

**Author's Note:**

> Uh hi?  
> I got bored so wrote this :)  
> it's pretty shit lmao
> 
> (fag is a British word for cigarettes, not using it as a slur)

"I'm gonna stay out here and have a fag, guys. I'll meet you in there!" Remus called over to a group hanging near the entrance, slipping his fingers through his coffee-colored hair as he took a deep breath.

"Okay!" Peter's voice was almost lost in the mix of bass from the bar, chatter amongst the crowds, and loud wind swirling past them. Remus caught one last, brief glance at them before seeing them dip behind the doors. He turned and watched his cold breath in the air against the blinding lights of the street.

Perhaps he had lied. He didn't really want a cigarette, and had in fact been trying to quit for a while (unsuccessfully). Truthfully, he had just wanted to get away from-.

"I thought you were gonna have a fag?"

_ Fuck. _

_ Oh fuck. _

He didn't need to turn around to see who it was, recognizing the smug voice from a mile away. He didn't want to, either. Not really. 

Bitter and feigned disgust dripped from his words as he muttered, "Changed my mind. Why are you out here, Sirius?"

"We need to talk." He huffed.  _ As emotional as ever, clearly.  _ Sirius took a few oppressive steps, combat boots landing heavily on the tarmac, and found himself stood next to Remus. Their shoulders grazed, and Remus was sure Sirius could feel him flinching under the touch. If he had, he gave no mind to it. In one smooth movement, Sirius had pulled a box from his jacket pocket, draw two cigarettes and offered one to the figure beside him. Remus took the cigarette and bought it to his chapped hips before fumbling around in his own pockets for a lighter.

"Yes, we do," He lied. He didn't want to have this conversation. He wanted to have this conversation less than he wanted to see Sirius in the first place. At least if he saw the man, he could pretend everything was normal and okay, rather than breaking him entirely. If they spoke about it, the situation would become unbearably real, and he couldn't deal with that yet. 

It was breaking their friends too. He presumed that's why James had bought them here, to The Leaky Cauldron. It was likely an attempt to bring back some tradition and normality to the awkward atmosphere Sirius and Remus had caused. Their reassurances that they were okay fell on deaf ears. Maybe that was a good thing, considering how tense they were when alone. Remus kept clicking his lighter again and again, furious as it didn't light. Now was not the time for his lighter to bail on him.

Sirius bought his own cigarette to his lips, hollowing his cheeks as he took a deep draw, inhaling for a moment and breathing out again. "Look, Remus-," He turned to face him, but Remus refused to look up at him. Not yet. 

Remus knew how it would go if he looked up, of course. His breath would catch as he saw his cheekbones highlighted under the red traffic lights, or when he slipped his fingers through his long hair to pull it from in front of his face. Remus would be running back to him as if nothing ever happened and be used, just as before. "The other night..."

It was a mistake. It was a drunken mess of tangled limbs and tongues trailing down each other's skin. It was an unfortunate night of 'You're here, and that's good enough for me' in the heat of the moment. That was only for Sirius, that is. Sirius was so much more than 'just good enough' in Remus's eyes. Remus nearly bought his hand up to his neck to let his fingertip ghost over his pulse point, where a dark mark resided as a memory. 

He could still feel Sirius's hands on his skin, his palms pressed against his hipbones and fingers digging into his flesh. He could imagine the scratches on Sirius's back, and his own shaking hands as he looked over the city. He wore nothing as hands came around his side to his front, and kisses were peppered on his sweat-slicked back and neck. He almost missed it.

Only almost.

"It meant nothing to me." Sirius finished, mumbling and unsure, sinking and relaxing his shoulders as though the weight of the world was just lifted from him. 

Remus finally turned to look at him, at the careless, nervous expression on his face. The air became thick and unbearable, and it was as though the bar, the cars on the road, and everyone else disappeared. The world became quiet, and the only sound was the clicking of Remus's lighter held to his cigarette. He gave up, stopped trying to light it, and put the lighter back into his pocket. 

He could only focus on Sirius now and found himself doing the exact thing he told himself not to. He had to fight the urge not to kiss the lips he missed, tangle his fingers in his hair and life into his own, for the sake of his own sanity.

Remus couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't keep pretending as though he wasn't in love, wasn't heartbroken, and wasn't lonely when not in Sirius's arms, even if he was just being used as a quick fuck.

The saying 'don't fix what isn't broken' came to mind; no-one ever told him not to put something broken back together and expect it to walk, talk and love the same after some half-assed patchwork, suturing over his umpteenth cigarette of the night. 

He realized he was truly addicted. 

He realized he loved him so much he would tremble and shake at the very thought of him. He was relishing in the pure euphoria of painful desire, holding Sirius to such perfect standards he could do no wrong. Nails digging hard into his shoulders while calling him an angel. Saying 'this means nothing, right?' with an adoring look in his eyes as he saw Remus, spread on his bed and freshly fucked, knowing it would never happen again.

Sirius could hit him and he'd thank him.

He couldn't quite decide if he just wanted to be used and thrown away, or if he was so in love that being used had no effect on him anymore.

He supposed it was both.

He sighed. Now or never.

"That's just it, Sirius. It meant nothing to you. To me... It meant everything. It meant fucking  _ everything _ ! I've been in love with you since third year at boarding school. I've wanted you and all of it and so much more."

"Remus-."

"And I hate you for it! I hate your hair and your eyes and the way you walk and your smile and the way you held me close to you because I want it so much! You're like a fucking addiction, Sirius! I feel on damn autopilot until I see you, like nothing else fucking matters. Every time your name popped up on my phone, or you looked at me and smirked when we were with everyone else, or when we looked over the city and chain-smoked while everyone else ran around the car park, my heart hurt. Because I wanted you to just turn around and kiss me but I knew it would never happen. I knew you'd never feel the same. I hate you for that. I hate you. I hate myself, I hate that I'm in love with you and I hate that I can't stop..."

Remus had tried to tell himself he wouldn't cry but found the tears sliding down his cheeks faster than he could stop them. 

He might have just totally fucked up a friendship with his best friend and ruined the seemingly perfect dynamic of the group, but saying the feelings he's held to his chest since he and Sirius had gotten that flat together had been such a relief.

Sirius's face contorted with a mix of confusion and anxiety, before letting out an entertained bark of laughter. His cigarette filter dropped to the ground and found itself crushed under his boot, and his long fingers plucked the unlit cigarette from Remus and dropped that one to the floor, too.

"Moonshine? Did you know that James asked me to move in with him and Lily after Hogwarts? So I didn't end up in dorms for uni?" He smiled, as though Remus hadn't just poured his heart out in the middle of the street.

"No, I did not. Look, Sirius, I-."

"Do you know why I said no to him?" He interrupted.

Remus cocked his head. No, he didn't. He didn't even know James had offered. When they left school and headed to uni, it always seemed like they would get a flat together, with Pete caring for his mum and James and Lily already engaged.

"No..."

"Because I've been in love with you for nine years and couldn't imagine a day without you, even if you never felt the same."

The words hit Remus like a truck. He opened his mouth slightly and closed it when no words came out. He found himself moving before he realized, bringing his arms around Sirius's neck and pulling him closer. Their lips collided and Sirius relaxing into the kiss, placing his hands to Remus's waist lovingly. The kiss wasn't like that night: hungry, needy, and desperate, clinging to a thousand words unspoken. This time was calm, warm, with lips and tongues gliding softly and hands moving perfectly.

Remus gave a small moan of satisfaction and pulled back, keeping their lips barely apart and smiled.

Sirius gazed at Remus, and saw the beautiful smile he'd missed so much, and vowed he'd never do anything to get rid of that gorgeous grin again.

Remus smirked.

"God, that was so much better than smoking..."


End file.
